Why I Like My First Name Again
A 2023 Essay Following a Retreat With the Cageless Birds.
“I hate You for killing my dad. And I hate You for trying to kill me.”
In 2023, my wife told me about a men’s retreat the Cageless Birds were hosting. She got an email around Christmas the year before and felt that there was something for me on that little 40 acre farm in North Carolina. So in March, I took my first flight in ten years for a three day retreat with about 50 men from all across the country as well as the men from the Cageless Birds community.
The theme of the retreat was speaking against lies and standing as men in the identities the Lord has given. While the food was awesome, and it was cool to meet the people I’ve followed for years, those days will be remembered for the work the Lord and I did together.
Following the retreat, I took about a month to process all that was experienced. With all the journal entries written and all the late night conversations with Lisa shared, I started writing this essay.
“No one has ever yet made a belief true by believing it. Try it. Try making a belief true just by believing it or by having an attitude of some sort towards it. Believe there’s gas in your tank. It won’t help.”
The retreat, and likewise the essay, dove deep into how I see myself, how I see and relate to the Lord, how I am raising my daughters and loving my wife, and how all of these places of identity have been shaped by lies and fear.
Each section was an encapsulation of every day of the retreat, navigating the trauma and pain I have endured, very personal reflections, and intimate moments with the Lord.
“He fights for me. He loves to hear me sing. He’s read every word I’ve ever written.”
“I am angry at God, and He hasn’t explained Himself to my satisfaction.”
You have kept track of all my wander and weeping You have stored my many tears in Your bottle - not one will be lost For they are all recorded in Your book of remembrance
— Psalm 56, The Passion Translation
“My heart is His responsibility, not mine, and not anyone else’s.”
I love everything about this essay. The pacing, the imagery, and tying so much of my life and deeply rooted beliefs into such a simple idea of liking my name just sets this project apart from so many essays and books before it. Also, after everything was said and done, I got a tattoo as a reminder.
